The Internet is a place where everyone knows your name. But not your real name, obviously. Your username might reflect your likes or dislikes. It may be aspirational or whimsical, funny or angry. You choose your username to reflect the person that you resemble, or, at least, the person that you would like other people to believe that you resemble.
But there are other names on the internet. Names that are assigned to you by other users. Names which are a kind of short-hand way of alerting other users about the sort of person you really are.
They are stereotypes, of course, and it is hoped that few people embody all their traits in real life, although you never know.
However, we have prepared this handy guide for you. If you are called any of these names over the internet, it might be a good time for you to take stock of your life.
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Becky is young. She obsesses over her hair, makeup and clothes and spends a lot of time on social media, where she posts pictures of everything she eats and drinks. Becky is not interested in politics or social issues, and would much rather talk about her favorite subject – Becky.
Becky loves hanging out in Starbucks. She is the one wearing the Uggs and checking her makeup with her phone.
Studies have shown that Becky is also particularly skilled at oral sex. We are not entirely sure which studies these are, but Beyonce knows. On the day Beyonce turned black, Becky with the good hair even made into one of her songs.
Natural Habitat: Coffee shops, nail salons and spas.
Chances of seeing her in the wild: low, unless you frequent beauty salons a lot.
Chad is young, easily bored, and stupid. But he is good looking. Which is just as well because it is pretty much all he has going for him.
Chad usually has a big smile and perfect white teeth, and he loves to laugh. His favorite jokes are pranks at other people’s expense. He particularly likes the ones where people get hurt. Those are really funny.
Chad is a bit of a douche. Some Chads are rich, some are poor. None of them work hard. In the evenings, Chad drinks too much and aggressively hits on random women.
Women who fall for his dubious charms soon discover that Chad is a selfish lover. Women who do not fall for his charms are obviously lesbians.
Natural Habitat: Pool parties he wasn’t invited to.
Chances of seeing him in the wild: High, especially if you’re having a pool party
Norman wants you to WISE UP. He wants you to LISTEN and BE PREPARED. Because Norman knows.
Norman knows about the deep state alien invasion cover up which is threatening our very existence. Norman haunts internet message boards day and night, spreading the word that THEY are out there, and they are out to get ya’
Norman is over 50, overweight and overwrought. He refuses to eat food unless it comes from a tin. Contamination, people!
Not to be confused with Harold, who just hides the pain and gets on with it.
Natural habitat: The bunker at the bottom of his garden.
Chances of seeing him in the wild: None. Unless you are also in the bunker.
Janet is not trying to sell you something.
She is Offering You An Opportunity. An opportunity to buy a house, some makeup, or maybe some jewelry that looks like it was made by an 8-year-old. Which it probably was.
Janet does not take no for an answer. Her smile is so loud she can’t hear you. She is busy projecting her successful lifestyle. Which is Awesome. #Herbestlife.
Don’t want what she’s selling? Too bad, because Janet isn’t listening. She’s got bills to pay, and that tat in the garage is not going to sell itself.
Natural habitat: Outside the school gates, and social gatherings that she invited herself to.
Chances of seeing her in the wild: Pretty high. After all, she’s offering you an opportunity. You don’t want to turn your back on opportunity, do you?
Felicia is used to getting her own way. Her handbag has the word Diva on it, picked out in rhinestones. Felicia expects everyone to drop whatever they are doing, the moment that she wants something. And she always wants something.
If you don’t meet her ridiculously high standards, Felicia will complain. And she will keep on complaining until she gets her own way, while at the same time letting you know that she does not expect to be treated this way.
She is a PERSON, you know. She has feelings. She has a right to be treated with respect, and should never have to buy her own lunch, wash her own car or carry her own shopping.
Felicias come in all ages, sizes, and colors, but they all have high-pitched voices and long hair, which they toss about whenever they are annoyed.
Natural Habitat: On their own YouTube channel, complaining about the unfairness of life.
Chances of seeing her in the wild: Unlikely, unless you are dating one.
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Sharon is a Mom. She has no other defining characteristics. She only has 2 or 3 children but drives a car big enough to accommodate the entire school football team and their kit, because she doesn’t want to leave anyone out. A stalwart of the PTA, Sharon is the first person to volunteer to fund raise for the new school library, run after school clubs or chaperone the school dance.
Sharon loves to talk about her kids. She has joined lots of Mom websites and dispenses advice on the message boards, to new parents, whether they ask for it or not.
Her Facebook page is full of pictures of her children holding trophies. Some of these have been made by Sharon herself, because gosh-darn it, the kids are just so damn adorable they deserve a prize. Likely to insist that her children eat only organic food and wear natural fibers, but it’s because Sharon carries a first aid kit everywhere.
Sharon is a peaceful person who loves baking cookies and helping with homework. She is totally harmless. Unless you criticize you her children. In which case, it’s gonna get ugly.
Natural habitat: School or home. She is never seen anywhere else.
Chances of seeing her in the wild: Only if you know her kids.
Helen is Busy and Efficient. She has a Filofax the size of a house brick, and carries it everywhere.
She is the chair of the Condo Board, the Neighborhood Watch, and runs several charities. And has a seat on the local council. Helen is a stickler for the rules. Without rules, there is chaos. And chaos is Bad. Helen likes to delegate, but only so that she can tell you that you are doing it wrong.
Helen is usually over 50. She is always dressed for a business meeting, and her hair wouldn’t dare be out of place. She is far too busy for fun, and if she can’t have fun, she doesn’t see why you should want some either.
Natural habitat: The board room.
Chances of seeing her in the wild: You don’t need to find her. She will find you. And remind you that parking is for residents only, unless within the designated visitor parking areas, or if carrying a permit. Do you have a permit? Are you wearing your covid-19 mask?!
Kyle is young, male and angry. He shaves his head every other day. His main source of food is the energy drink, but he has not yet figured out what that tab thing on the top of the can is for, so usually hammers a nail into the center of the can and tries to catch the liquid in his mouth as it spurts out onto the floor. This is perhaps the reason that he buys his energy drinks by the crate.
Kyle is a Bruce Lee fan. He has not actually studied martial arts, but he has watched all the films, which is practically the same thing. Kyle lives with his widowed mother. His bedroom wall is full of holes, where he has punched them in a rage. Or when being Bruce Lee.
Kyle does not easily articulate his feelings and prefers to communicate via a hole in the wall. He plays video games all night, fueled by the energy drinks and the occasional pizza, then sleeps most of the day, until his mom brings him breakfast around 4 in the afternoon.
And then he screams at her. God, mom, stop judging me! And where’s my energy drink? You know I can’t eat home cooked food!
Natural habitat: His bedroom.
Chances of seeing him in the wild: Not unless you’re the pizza guy.
Stacy loves her boyfriend. A lot. She loves talking about him and she loves sleeping with him. And she really loves talking about sleeping with him.
Stacy has no interests in life except her boyfriend. They text, like, 100 times a day. Usually she texts him first, but he always replies.
He has to. If he doesn’t reply within 2 minutes, she sends a follow up message, which reads, ?, followed by ?????, and then, Why are ignoring me? Are you breaking up with me? At least have the decency to tell me to my face!!!!!
Stacy and her boyfriend, whoever he is, think exactly alike. Whatever he thinks, she thinks. Whatever he likes, she likes. Wherever he goes, there she is, right next to him.
Stacy does have female friends, but only so that she can have someone to talk to about how awesome her boyfriend is. None of the friends have met him, though, because she doesn’t want them stealing her man.
Natural habitat: Right by his side.
Chances of seeing her in the wild: Depends. Do you know her boyfriend?
Okay so this is meant to be a list of 10 rivals for Karen, but we got to first place and had no choice: Karen is her own greatest rival . . . and she’s winning.
Everyone has heard of Karen. An entitled woman, Karen has come to demand a certain amount of respect. Karen knows her rights. Even when she doesn’t.
Karen expects the sea to part for her, and traffic lights to turn green for her. Karen does not expect to be kept waiting. Never park in front of Karen’s house, or loiter outside it. Karen is special.
When roused, Karen is also dangerous. Karen has been known to resort to violence if people park over the line at the mall parking lot. And she has also been known to resort to violence when people criticize her for parking over the line at the mall parking lot.
Karen is special, and the rules that apply to you do not apply to her.
Natural habitat: Karen is everywhere.
Chances of seeing her in the wild: Guaranteed.
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About The Author: Ward Hazell is a freelance writer and travel writer, currently also studying for a PhD in English Literature